Living in Sweden is character building #9

The hoover, pill and the washing machine.

The above items have changed women’s lives and not the feminist political party and it’s slogans, says this year’s Nobel Prize winner for Literature, Doris Lessing. She’s right. Take notes, Gudrun.
Science and technology have given us girls freedom. Thank God for the silicon push-ups and the extra junk-in-the-trunk-knickers and viagra, eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building #8

That contentious literary prize.

What about Jane Austen for the Nobel bloody literature prize, eh? Why didn’t she ever get anything in the end? Even if it would mean posthumously but that would have been in tune with her whole literary life when you think about it. She became popular way after she was six feet under and only really took off after Bridget Jones nicking the whole Pride and Prejudice plot. But seriously, why not Jane? She’s more read than any of the previous and I am going to say it, the current line up of ”We-have-never-heard-of-them-before-writers”

They are going to announce the literary prize winner this week and I reckon the one they choose probably has not one book available in the book store. The Swedish Academy and their cronies have got some Korean and a Syrian poet on the list. Anyone recognise the names? I am postively sure they are certainly deserving in their own right but what about the ones that have come before? Those that have changed our world by simply writing about it, quietly yet powerfully present in our history as great story tellers and unbeatable, extraordinary will and determinatation fuelled by passions and ideals that have given us the pleasure of being a part of a literary, personal and human experience. I am talking about these writers; (take notes Horace) Jane Austen, Joyce Carol Oats, Sidney Sheldon, Stig Larsson, Ian Banks, J.K Rowling, Philip Roth, Margaret Atwood, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Ben Okri, David Chase ceator of Sopranos and the list goes on. You will agree just like the current Nobel list mine is just as eclectic but I could bet my pavlovas that your mother has read one of these writers. And cried.

I do have to say that after living with the luke warm summers for quite some time, I feel rather the same about the prestigious Nobel awards. I mean seriously, who watches it on TV anyway? I fear that it is losing it’s merits with the rest of us- I am refering to the rest of the reading race, Horace, and not a committee of literary nazis. But I shouldn’t really speak on behalf of the rest of us. In fact the last word should really be left with the founder of the Nobel Prize, Alfred Nobel, the bloke who invented the world’s first weapon of mass destruction, dynamite. He said that the cronies on the committee should give the prize to idealists.“I would like to help dreamers, as they find it hard to get on in life."
Well since he put it like that, might as well give it to me! Eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building # 7

How much is that banana in the window?

Mr Eriksson felt it was time that I learnt something about art and took it upon himself to take my Saturday to take me on a gallery round. I would rather recycle rubbish quite frankly. But I saw this as an opportunity to get him to take me shopping on the way to the galleries. By that time he would be too stuffed to gallery anywhere and we’d be home in time for cocktails.


I said I wanted to check out the new look PUB after seeing the window display. We ventured up to the top floor and I was in seventh heaven but before my fingers could even stroke the fancy gear, Mr Eriksson yanked me away and shoved me in front of a glass cabinet that kept a picture of a banana. What’s the big deal with the banana, I ask? It’s an Andy Warhol original he tells me. Enter Velvet Underground and Andy Warhol 101. Mr Eriksson was salivating as he trapped me into art school class lesson. What about the those jeans over there? I pointed into the distance towards a stack of hazy blue.

To my utter surprise and some what disappointed that my plan failed, we were in an art gallery in a shopping mall. Who would have thought? Art everywhere for Tom, Dick and Jane. The gallery is Operating Place at the PUB department store.

How much is the banana in the window I ask the lady in the gallery. Not for sale, she tells me but then she shows me the other stuff; a possum made of wax made me homesick, a large phalic wooden cone that could be a good hat stand or if the artist made minature battery operated versions that could fit into a handbag…just think how much he could sell. There were some kooky art graphics and paintings that I have to say were cheaper than a pair of jeans and dare I say better designed. I am not what one would call ”knows my art” but I do know good investments when I see one and insisted that Mr Eriksson buy the Kiss My Arse fluffy stool. The lips are really blowing kisses on your bottom when you sit down. I thought I would save it for when I become the boss lady. Everyone should get one of these.

There were some other folk that asked about the Andy Warhol bloke and the Velvets. Apparently they were a part of some movement that obviously made the banana graphic and a can of Campbell’s soup quite famous. The Velvet Underground exhibition is temporary and on it’s way to Tokyo. I wouldn't miss it a rare and most of all free entry into an art exhibition. All that arty farty stuff aside, what turned out to be my plan to go shopping and avoid the art gallery scene ended up being a nice fusion of both fashion and art in the Operating place.
If only marriage could be as compatible like PUB and the Operating Place, very sexy eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building #6

The Business Trip.

My darling Mr Eriksson had to manage on his own for a while as the world outside ( Finland) beckoned my presence at a rather serious kiss-arse-begging-for-money conference. I was decked out in my latest tummy tuck-in knickers recently purchased to keep what is all migrating south an illusion that some things are still perky and north if you know what I mean. Thank God for good knickers and decent bras. They can make or break a deal and that is what I call equal opportunities in the workforce, so go figure little Miss Sweden!

I sat down to a set lunch together with the other conference delegates who came from all over the world, Denmark, Norway, Iceland and Stockholm. I was pleased to be seated next to an individual who also came from Stockholm. As we exchanged our introductions of who we were and our respective functions, he asked if I arrived in Sweden as a refugee. I always seem to have this effect on these highly educated, politically, socially aware and extensively world travelled Swedes. We foreigners are all refugees it seems. I just couln't help myself so I said yes, as a matter of fact I did come to Sweden as a refugee and here I am sitting in this conference in Finland selling tupperware, what an amazing life story! It took him a couple of seconds to realise that I was been sarcastic. He didn’t speak to me again through out the lunch.

About being sarcastic and rude, it was sad to read that Sweden’s number one blogger, Alex Schulman has decided to retire from his game but it was just a matter of time. Mr Eriksson always says to me that a monster that is allowed to be given a lot of room ends up taking far too much space. I get it now. He was referring to Mr Schulman.
After much pondering and reading about the issues surrounding his ”literary death”, I come to one conclusion which is my own analysis and that is the Swedes just do not know how to take the piss out of each other without being nasty about it. It’s an art and the Swedes do not have this in their humour cupboard. The Finns however do. In a strange but definite form of self deprecating humour, the Finns do it better and I would say far superior than their Scandic neighbour. Us southern hemisphere folk also master this art rather well, where we can take the piss out of each other without being a dick about it- take notes, Mr Schulman. There is an art form in how to take the piss out of someone or something without character assasinating the subject, again I hope you are writing this down, Mr Schulman. The Swedish psyche seem to be navally earnest and deadly funny but not much to laugh home about.

Speaking about home, on my return I went into the city and just had to stop at the new windows at the PUB department store. I always associated the place with mothballs and old farmer’s wives for some strange reason, but after seeing the windows one certainly gets the idea that PUB has gotten a bit of puffing up. The only damper to the windows is why on earth the KICKS window haven’t got a window display to join with the others? It looks very odd if you ask me. Maybe someone should tell them.
My favourite window has to be the zombie doctor and the naked patient on the operating table. The doctor is a male mannequin and the patient is a female mannequin. It’s all politically incorrect role models! Get it? Ha! ha! I heard that there was a big deal about it being a bit too sexy in a female degrading way. If only people would chase real flesh and bone problems where the penis is more dominant in real life everyday working issues for the vagina. Eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building #5

Self Made Part 2

I always say to Mr Eriksson when I want something, ”No is not an answer” It is in fact one of my many mottos in this life. I returned to the unemployment office of the arts and culture section carrying my business concept in a cake box, a pavlova. Party Pavlovas was the name of my new Starta Eget. I am going to bake and deliver pavlovas to order. Who needs Swedish to do that?

I smiled politely at the lady behind the computer-says-no desk and took my nummerlapp and went back to the waiting lounge. She has to give me points for persistence, surely? I believe in being service minded- a concept these Swedes still haven’t caught on yet. The only way to know how good your product is is by testing the market. So always thinking ahaead, I whipped out some paper plates and plastic forks and began serving up the pav to the unemployed folk in the waiting lounge. A huge hit, they loved my pav. The lady behind computer-says-no-desk walked towards me with two security guards by her side. That’s nice they’ve come to join in. I offer them each some pavlova. ”Don’t be shy, tuck in!”
”Jag är lactose intolerant” she said, stepping away from the pav as if I had offered her a plate of Moose bajs.

Then to my horror,the two security heavies chucked out my pav in the bin! Nazis! I was not allowed to test my product on the premise of market research at the arbeteslösförmedling. Well they certainly don’t encourage entrepreneurial initiatives around here, do they? Communists!
The heavies escorted me out of the premises. They waited until the elevator doors closed on me to make sure I had really faded to black.

It dawned on me going down the lift that I don’t need some silly Starta Eget packet to start a business. The Starta Eget is for the Swedes! It’s for them who have no idea about good business sense. Retail hours are from 10 to 6pm, go figure. China, India and the bottle shop would go bankrupt if they kept those hours. There’s no home delivery from ICA offered unless you are living in a service house. When I wanted my groceries delivered I said I ’m living in a house and I want service. What’s hard to get? Forget about getting rich from a small business idea as this would mean that it’s successful and really was a small business idea from the start and not some club of coffee and cake meetings for people who haven’t been in the workforce for over 12 months.

When Mr Eriksson came home he was pleased to hear that it went well at the unemployment office and that my Starta Eget had started. I told him I put up a notice at the local ICA and printed off flyers which I stuck in the neighbor’s post slots in the apartment building. Party Pavlovas to order! I make a mental note to make sure I do this first thing in the morning. It’s only a lie if I didn’t do it. I just haven’t done it yet.
Eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building #4 Self Made part 1

Self Made- Part 1

Mr Eriksson said that I have to start doing something with myself. Oh dear, I told him I returned the vibrator he bought me as all toys Made in China were being recalled.
”I mean you have to try and get a job, Fru Eriksson."

I walked into the unemployment office for those registered as workers in the arts and culture sector, unaware that I had a fresh pile of dog shit under my shoes. I was half way towards the the middle of the room when others noticed the shit stained footprints led directly to me. So I do what I do best; deny it, keep my chin up and repeat several times in my head ”I am having a bad day not a bad life.”
After speaking to the lady behind the ”computer says no” desk, I am told that according to the records my work and education details are still not up to the Swedish standards. And plus there is a remark about my harassing a previous handläggare. The lady says this sort of carry on is unacceptable in Sweden.”Vi gör inte sånt här”
What about this thing called AKASSA, I ask her. She tells me that I have to be first registered as actively unemployed at the arbetslösformedling in order to get the dole. I tell her that I have been actively unemployed for 8 years! Surely I’m elligible? She looks at me and gives me the ” computer says no” look. Not sexy, if you know what I mean.

I look up and see the faces of the unemployed. I recognise one of the actors from a film poster- something about nothing and somebody dies type film.Very Swedish. Next to him is another actor that I recognise from the tabloids who had a dead body fall out of his closet. He said the corpse wasn’t his and he had no idea how it got there and then there’s a bunch of artists who couldn’t draw themselves out of a paper bag. At least the actor with the corpse must have had some talent to get himself of that mess. You have to admire the tenacity of survivors. I am suddenly inspired. You can’t keep a good utlänning down. I turn back to the lady at the desk and with a second wind in my sail and say enthusisastically, ”What about Starta Eget?

She shakes her head and sprays me with her spit when she tells me my Swedish isn’t good enough. Oh what a shame I say, I’d better go home and cut my wrists, eller hur?

Fru Eriksson

Living in Sweden is character building #3 The Health Care System Part 2

The Health Care System Part 2:

”Of course, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re just depressed, said the petite doctor with smiling eyes peering at me over her tortoise rimmed spectacles. I was relieved. I tried to tell Mr Eriksson the same thing I told her, rolling my eyes. She wrote me another dose of prozac, ripped the piece of paper from her prescription pad and handed it to me. ” It can’t be easy living here, I should know and I’m from here!” I laughed too hard, taking the prescription from her and grateful that finally some one understood me. Do you have any friends? Yes, I said, in fact they’re waiting to take me for lunch at the Cafe Opera. I got up to leave when the doctor commented on my Mulberry scarf and loved the perfume I was wearing, Alure by Channel, I told her. ”It smells divine!” she said. She looked down at my shoes and couldn’t help herself over the limited edition bottle green ballerina shoes by Bally that I had on. Mr Eriksson bought them for me in London. They don’t stock them anymore, sorry.
I left the vårdcentral with a smile on my face and feeling a strong connection to my doctor, who is my new best friend. Speaking of which, my mates Moet and Merlot are waiting to take me to lunch!

I rush past the A-team sitting on the park bench who didn’t recognise me from the last time when I gave them a bottle of wine. They say the attention span of park benchers last as long as their last bottle. Go figure. They looked pretty rough today that’s for sure. They’re the ones that really need help! Mr Eriksson should come by here and see the folk who have real problems with the grog and stop threatening and accusing me willy-nilly. He mustn’t be happy about something. It is a fact that when people project on others it is usually something they themselves are lacking. I make a note to be more attentive to Mr Eriksson and his needs.

I stop myself when I realise that I have left my wallet at home. I rush back to my apartment. I live in one of those apartments in the inner city where one needs a card key and code to get through the main door. I have of course left my card key in my wallet. But luckily an elderly lady who lives in the apartment directly under us, is waiting inside the lobby for her hemjänst ride. I knock on the glass door for her to open. ” Could you please open, I left my card key at home”. I point to the release button inside to let me in. She just stares at me blankly as if she’s never seen me before. I bang on the glass, yelling at her. Maybe she can’t hear me. ” Can you open the door, please!”. She hobbles forward and speaks loudly, ” Tyvärr, Jag känner inte dig” ”Yes, you do! I live on the fifth floor!” I yell back. She shakes her head, ”Nej, jag kan inte, tyvärr” she says from behind the door. ” Jag förstår inte vad du säger”
I stare at her through the glass, stumped for a good long second and then I say in my special Swedish, ” Jag är städare. Jag jobbar för Herr Erikssson.”
”Då så”! She pressed the release button and opened the door. ”Värför sag du inte det tidigare?”.
”Eller hur?”

Fru Eriksson